When Life Gives You Lemons

Happy New Year!

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Last year was terrible. Really, I'm not even exaggerating. To be fair, every year for as long as I can remember has been terrible, but every year since 2019 has been horrendous. I think the thing that annoys me the most is that while the overall meal might be different, the underlying flavour of shege has been the same for the past 3 years. 2020, 2021, and 2022 are the moin-moin, akara and gbegiri of bad years for me, the underlying flavour, ladies and gentlemen being sapa. I know, this isn't very new year-y but, stay with me, i have learnt lessons from this shege and I really hope life can tell that I’ve learnt them. I no wan repeat this sapa class for 2023.

 Over the course of the past 3 years, I've experienced lack in a way that jarred me. I didn't grow up rich but i didn't grow up poor either and for the longest time even while I felt discontent, I was eventually able to find a silver lining. The last 3 years however have been giving shege pro max. I didn't understand how much lack dehumanizes you; how much it strips off you. Your self respect, your pride, and your confidence, gone. Hope, self care, and dreaming become things of the past. My friends will tell you I’m probably the most cynical of the group, I can't help it. I had previously underestimated how much these things make us feel human. I used to be a very proud person. I knew at the very least, that even though I wouldn’t be in luxury, or even comfort, I’d be okay. When being okay became scarce, I started to see shege.

Lack brings out very primal urges and they become very front and centre, na who chop dey plan, na who do belleful dey think ein future. You become hyper focused on how to survive; where the next meal would come from, how school fees would be sorted, praying you don’t get a medical emergency because then you'll be in true pepper.

THE HIDEOUS TRIPLET:

In 2020, the year of the pakurumo, I used to cry a lot about lack. I thought, and I admittedly still think that I was being lazy and that once I started working really hard, it'd be fixed. What I got out of that year was people trying to take advantage of my desperation, being overworked, and grossly underpaid, and more tears. I had tasted what it meant to drop your self respect so you could survive. At least sha, I was hot.

2021, more shege. I had to balance my final year of school with being overworked, deal with being grossly underpaid and having all the expenses of motherhood and school, there was constant fear of academic failure. My phone got stolen and I had to crowdfund to get a new one. I couldn’t sleep well for months because of anxiety and the trauma from having your home broken into. The shame I felt from having to crowdfund <<<<<<. My anxiety levels were through the roof, panic attacks and public outburst of tears were frequent, and my depression turned into active self-harm. This time I wasn't even hot like that. Shege S.

2022, the final level {I hope, abeg, whoever is shaking my calabash, e don do}. I went through a very traumatic event in January and the effects carried on till April. I couldn't talk about it then, I sat in shame for months, crying and dealing with self loathing and self pity. I am unfortunately still not honest enough to talk about it. The end result? lost a job. I couldn't be underpaid and be overworked while dealing with all of this. Fell out of love with writing, got and lost two more writing gigs, plenty rejection mails, the usual. Reliant on people's good graces and empathy, I decided to try my hand at a new career path and it was going well till it wasn't. Made great friends then had to deal with shame and discontent everyday because despite their love and kindness, I felt (feel) like the failure amongst them. Shege pro max.

Like I said, hideous triplets.

THE LEMONS 🍋:

Throughout this period, three things remained constant.

Shame. Most of us are familiar with the feeling of shame. How could we not? It’s ingrained in the Nigerian way of life, moreover if you’re a woman. From our culture about sex, to marriage, wealth and even need, shame is everywhere. “What will people say?” and “Dem no dey do this kain thing outside” is at the forefront of our behaviour as Nigerians. I’ve felt shame before. Shame for talking about sex, shame for getting pregnant, shame for not being ashamed of my child, shake for not knowing, shame for not having enough. However, shame for lack really hit me a little different over the past 3 years. Why? Because as I stated before, lack can be very dehumanising. I’ve also learnt that most of the shame comes from within, even when people empathise with you, even when people try to help you, even when people are cautious so they won’t make you uncomfortable, shame will not let you be when you don’t have. Let me give you an example. Last year, my friends planned a picnic. we'd been talking about it for months and try as I may, I still couldn't afford it. Two of my friends then texted me to let me know that it was fine if I couldn’t make it. One person even offered to shoulder my portion of the bill. I turned it down. The shame I felt [feel] about that incident; a time when people showed me kindness is insane. I still feel shame writing about it.

Discontent. Phew, this one. I did ‘achieve’ a lot of things on paper last year. I got my degree, and started NYSC. I took and completed a few courses in UX Design. I spent more time with my daughter and my boyfriend. Got more amazing women I my life. But all these things, and I still feel discontent. Am I just an ungrateful person? I realise that all of these things become overshadowed by the level of hardship I had to endure last year, which was a lot.I’ve also found that there is truth in the statement ‘Ignorance is bliss’. I wonder often if I would still feel discontent if I didn’t know life could get better than I currently have it. I will never know. This isn’t simply a feel that can be cured with gratitude; that’s something that can only be said when one hasn’t lived in a way that wasn’t at least comfortable. Or maybe if one was religious.

However, I’ve realised that I’ve felt something more strongly than shame or discontent. Resentment. Navigating all of these waters as a single parent is very hard. I feel resentful because this isn’t how my 20s were supposed to go. I’m smart enough to know that the roaring 20s we were promised doesn’t exist but it feels like my 20s is going by without even a meow. I am resentful because a lot of my life is shaped by motherhood and that was a decision that was made for me. Nothing from conception to delivery was my choice and that grudge is one that I will carry and nurse for a long time.

THE BITTER LESSONS:

“If you follow who sabi road, you no go lost,” and “closed mouth don’t get fed” are statements I’m trying to take in 2023. Ideally, I wish at the very least 2023 would be free of the shame of lack but that’s a piper’s dream (also, I don’t know where this phrase comes from but it sounds very much like they’re talking about being stoned). As at the time of writing this, I know there will be some lack in January. I’m hoping that this year, when I don’t have or when I need help, I won’t feel shame. I thought that knowing these things will automatically make it easy to drop shame but no. Who no chop belleful no fit dey contented. There’s no other way to say this. There will always be hunger, just varying levels of it. Same with discontent. I know that I won’t be content till I’m at a place where I am comfortable and don’t have to worry so much. Also hoping that I find a way to deal with the feeling of discontent before it eats me up and turns into the green monster.

I told my friend recently that I will not be resentful for the life that was snatched from me. Maybe with therapy but even then nothing is certain. I have learned and I’m still learning to not let resentment creep in and infect our relationship and love for others.

I am stepping into the new year wary and skeptical, the last 3 years draining me of whatever hope I have left. Yet. Here I am, against my better judgement, alive and in 2023.

P.S: In a last bit of shameless self plugging, follow @/whenlife.gives.youlemons on IG for updates. See you in 2 weeks 💛.