What Doesn't Kill You Gives You Trauma

Well, so much for optimism.

I should probably start with pleasantries, but I am too tired.

This newsletter coming days later than I originally intended is probably the biggest proof that 2023 is kicking my ass. In my last newsletter, I mentioned I was going to have less shame coming into the new year. Ladies and gentlemen, I understand politicians a bit more now, it's easy to talk, to do na palava. My aunt usually says, one day, one problem. The statement has found its truth in my life.

Parenting and Community

Anyway, my daughter turned 5 recently, and I got help from multiple sources to do a small thing for her. For this, I am especially grateful for all the women and the geihs in my life. Not just for the birthday but for being there at random lows and the rare highs. Forgive me, I will take a moment to digress but surrounding yourself with friends whom you love, and who love you is very important. Life throws many people our way, a lot of them we are forced to interact with. Be intentional in choosing your friends. Please, I don’t mean you should start cutting people who don’t have money off oh (before you cut me off too) but make sure you’re friends with people you like. Friends with people that have the same fundamentals.

As I was saying, 5 years of being a parent are something. On the one hand, it feels like such an achievement, and it is. I never thought I'd last even a year, but it's been 5 years and the child, Ife, is very much alive and well. But what should feel like a great achievement is dampened a lot by the things I have failed to do.

I don't think I'm a great parent, an okay one, maybe. I'm doing a terrible job of providing for my daughter and I often feel like I've doomed her to a life of struggle. I sometimes think she will never forgive me for having her when she gets older. I feel very much like I've put her at a disadvantage. That is a crime I can never forgive myself, and the adults in my life at the time of my pregnancy. Life is so fucking random isn't it? Your entire experience here largely depends on who and where you were born, things you don't control. I know this, so what does it say about me, I still had a child? I don't like to think too much about it. There are so many things I resent myself for already.

To console myself, I promised to at least be an emotionally present and great mother but to be honest. I think I am failing at that too. I was doing a bit well before but… I've been yelling a lot more now, not involved in games as much, and just doing the bare minimum emotionally. I realized, sadly, that you cannot pour from an empty drum and that I might be well on my way to creating that first daughter's weird relationship with her mother. I don't know how to stop it.

Maybe it would help if I had something to compare it to, like a reference track but I lost mother when I was six and in true Tolu fashion, most of my memories from childhood are repressed.

I'm just angry a lot these days, I'm not even exactly sure to whom I direct the anger. Myself for being such a, well, me. The universe, the government, my parents, I'm just full of anger and I'm tired. Tired of being tired, tired of being angry, tired of being broke, tired of feeling stuck, just tired. I am back in a depressive episode {this feels so stupid to say} and I can't be a great parent when I feel like this, especially since parenting is also tied to depression.

In times like this, I remember why I promised myself that I won't have any more kids. I have parented alone, that's all I know. My mom passed and my dad had to do it as well, I don't think there's enough therapy in this world to help me heal from that. Parenting is hard fucking work and you must have a good partner. Know this and know peace.

I hate that I feel a longing for a life that I would never have; a life without this weight, but my baby is a smart gorgeous girl and I take comfort in that.

The Green Eyed Monster

As if the 'I wanna kms' phase is not bad enough, I am currently in a place where I have to fight envy. I said before that I feel a longing for a life that I will never have and more often than not, that expresses itself as envy and want when someone does something I wish I could do. I hate this feeling because at its core is a lack of self-content and I used to pride myself on being content. Mostly though, I hate it because I am not being a good friend. I can't say congratulations without a tug of "When will it be my turn" in my heart, when someone achieves a milestone, gets a new job, or bags a sweet deal. Now before y'all cut me off, I'm not a witch lmao, I don't hate other people's progress and I am working on this feeling, but I think awareness and acceptance of how I feel are key to moving past it.

I am scared however that I won't get past this feeling till I stop hating my life, and stop feeling stagnant when others are making progress. I am 23, and this is the stage of my life where I should do self-discovery, and work to build myself and my career and so far the progress with that is nada. I have to catch glimpses of that life from others and there's only so much living vicariously through another person, that one can do. I guess the summary of this is; I am not content with my life and where I am at.

For those of you who were here last time, you'd know that I have started a community for single mothers, that's flopping harder than Lil Kim btw, and I don't know how to fix it. If you have any ideas, please let me know. I don't want this to fail.

How Many Faces Do You Have?

Last, I realize that part of networking as an adult is associating with people whose guts you hate, and let me tell you, I hate it. I can't stand pretentious people. I hate being pretentious myself and yet this is what adulthood demands. I am finished. I know too many people who have worn a face for other people and forgotten what their real face looks like.

I don’t want to be like that. The universe has taken so much from me, I will not let it take me. It will not leave me faceless. Yet, I have to find a balance. So help me lord.

On a lighter note, I'm falling in love with astrology, it's fun without the religious constraints. “Pankere,” as well as "Friends in Need" have been the greatest victims of this newfound interest. Michael, I hope you read this, I will convert you. Anyhow, if you also want me to pester you with astrology memes, dm me.

P.S. I'm reading The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin, if you're a fan of fantasy, check it out. I rarely have favorite authors but she might just change that. Also, listen to Miley Cyrus’s flowers and Meghan Trainor’s album, those are my white sisters fr.

I want to say see you in 2 weeks, but I don't want to make any more promises I can't keep. See you when I am not falling deeper into an abyss of nothingness laced with pain.

Lol.

I might never see you then. See you when the universe permits.

P.P.S.: Would you guys like a group name? I think we should have one lmao.