Delusion: The Key to Not Running Mad

Okay. I don come again.

I was so excited about this newsletter because I thought I knew what I wanted to talk about. I do not. But we meuve. We’re in February. The month of love, and elections. Either your lover disappoints you, or your nation does. One must sha happen. It’s looking very much like the latter.

On Religion and The Never-Ending Need for a God.

If you’ve breathed in this country so much over the past few weeks, you’ll know that Nigerians dey suffer. Like wow. Today I was pressing my clothes and I heard a sermon from a church nearby. They were using Job’s life as the subject of the sermon. I'm not even going to point out all the problems with the Job story; not all of you here are irreligious but I’ll say I get why Nigerians cling to religion. As someone who has discarded religion and is living a life of realism, I’ll tell you for free that you need some form of delusion to survive in this country.

Whether it is believing that there's someone in the sky that will save you, or that the planets aligning a certain way are beneficial to you. Maybe you’ve discarded the idea of hell because no shege wan pass this Naija own, or you believe in that aspire to Maguire talk. You sha need something to hold on to if not you go just craze.

Idk who came up with this new notes nonsense but my god, if I catch that muthafucka, I’m throwing hands. I’ve seen shege because of it. The money I've spent on POS charges, I for don use am relax my hair. Speaking of which, I realised yesterday that I haven't made proper braids since 2021. The shege is shegeing. I bought always pad, eight hundred Naira, a few days ago and let me tell you something, na mumu dey bleed. If I see Jesus now, me sef go touch the hem of in garment.

I did experience the kindness of a stranger last week, and I was, and still am, so grateful for it. I was stranded with a friend, trying to get cash to go home after CDS and someone dashed me 500 Naira. I shock.

Maybe I'm the Bad Guy

The reason I was excited about this newsletter was that I had tea and I thought I was going to share it but on second thought, I will be keeping it to myself.

Have you ever been the villain in a story before? How did you handle it? You see typically, I’m not in this position and tbh even now, I do not think I was a villain in that story but I do acknowledge that I could've handled things better and that grated my nerves for a bit. I don't like sloppiness and I reprimand myself every time I feel or felt like I was sloppy. I’ve realized that in life, you cannot always be the good guy. There will be situations and scenarios in which you will be the bad guy, and you have to make peace with it. As long as you didn't set out to hurt anybody and your villainous era doesn't outweigh you being a good person, then you’re good. People are multidimensional and often, things we think are black and white are very gray. Perspective frames a lot of situations.

How did I deal with this situation? I didn’t.

I am a big fan of hashing things out but I stan a woman who has made herself very indifferent, and has owned people labelling her the bad guy. Yeah, Miss Chun-Li. Do y’all know that her calling herself Chun-Li is both owning and refuting the bad guy title? Add info about Chun Li. that and the fact that I am in a relationship with someone who thinks very similarly helped me let it pass. Sometimes we draw things out by wanting to “clear the air.” Girl, nobody gives a fuck. You’re not a celebrity, no need for a press release.

Sapa In Love

Also, Valentine’s is in a few days. Soon we’ll see the money bouquets and the trumpets on IG, and you know what? I’m here for it. If you see anyone, send it to me oh. But-, here’s the truth. There are tonnes of people out there celebrating this holiday who cannot afford luxury and extravagant shows of love.

I wanted to talk about this as well. There's a narrative we parrot online as if love and romance belong only to those who are wealthy. Not only is that narrative elitist, but it is also false. There are way too many poor people in Love and relationships for this to be true. People are loving each other despite their financial situations. That’s real life. Now, I’m not saying you should settle or whatever, because that’s what people assume when you make statements like these, I’m saying that you should be realistic.

I exist. I love it and last I checked very much poor. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes, it isn't. Only a fool or a liar will deny the ease that having money brings especially in a relationship. You can go on spontaneous dates, plan vacations, surprise your partner, and get thoughtful gifts, without batting an eyelid. That’s fun.

Valentines, anniversaries, and birthdays don’t become a source of anxiety, because you cannot afford to do the things you’d like for your partner. But except your singular love language is receiving gifts, to which I argue that you’re an extremely shallow individual, then there are other ways to express love. Being poor forces you to hone and learn more about the other ways to express love. You stop being a lazy lover; you know that in a world where everything is quantified by the amount of money spent; you have to step up your game. Learn to listen more, to spend more time together, to be more patient, and to be emotionally present. Being poor and in love, will force you to be a better lover and it's not always fun. Im not going to lie because sometimes, neither of these things can fill the hole that money would. If you’re not careful, it grows, and this hole is bigger. You think you're a terrible lover; you think they’d be better off without you. Or you think of the things you cannot do, the gifts you’re not receiving; the gifts you cannot give. Your words can only say so much, actions, we’ve been told, speak louder. Better soup, na money kill am is a saying for a reason. These actions work best when you have money. I hate it so much because love should be the place you run to when life starts dtm. But life very much affects your relationships and that sucks.

So how do you deal with it? Girl, idk. Delusion. You tell yourself it gets better and that you’ll get to a place where you can do much more for each other soon. You love them harder in other ways and you appreciate the effort in the things they do for you. Or you leave. If you’ve ever had to love on a budget, please reply with the most thoughtful or significant thing someone did for you that wasn't expensive or required money, I'm curious.

Health, Depression and the General State of Poverty

Also, I have a health scare lmao. I should go to the hospital but my finances have decided that I will not be going. Toh. I said I should tell you, people, in case I drop and people say ‘brief illness’. Ko brief nkan nkan o. Y’all I’m so broke, it’s like. Is this even real?

Now add the recent life crisis and the depressive episode I've had to the mix and you have a crazy cocktail. I've read like 4 books this month and this is perhaps the biggest evidence of my mental health. I've been so tired of real life, I've been throwing myself into fictional worlds to survive. My reading habits are peak when im at the lowest in real life, and when I’m about to enter a protective wave of delusion. I wanted to talk about the shege I've seen over the past few weeks and how I think I should be on antidepressants, so much so that I've considered self-checking into a mental institution then I remembered that i'd have to pay for that and so I’m this delusion wave instead. I don't want you guys to be tired of me yet.

Last newsletter, I asked you guys for suggestions on how to push Mamere, the single mother’s community forward and none of you responded. Not that im surprised. Anyway, I've decided that I will start a blog/newsletter (yes, I know) for Mamere. Ideally, it would feature interviews with single mothers, pieces on topics that affect the community and what not. Again, if you can help me, or know anyone who’d like to be interviewed, lmk.

Much love, much amaze, best in craze, Tolu.

P.S.: I'm job hunting. Idk what I'm really looking for tbh and that's part of the problem. Sha has to be flexible and remote lol because yk, Ife. Writing, design internships, Social media management, that sort of thing.

P.P.S: By the time you get this, it'd be a week later than it was intended to go out lmao. I'll update y'all on the why, in the next newsletter. Tea will indeed be spilled.